I'm so god damn tired, there is no more energy, for nothing
It's like I'm attached to my own sickness.
I hate how it defines me but
Who am i without it?
“It’s always a strange experience to read one’s own writings again after an interval. They so rarely fail to impress.”
— Iris Murdoch, from Under the Net
I'm tired. I wasn't built for this shit. I wasn't supposed to last this long. Let me rest.
the fact that i have to be in the “right headspace” to do even the simplest tasks. absolutely humiliating
I want to die, but I think what's even worse is that I also want to live.
I've wanted to die since I was 12. That's when I realized what childhood had done to me, when I lost everything, when shit really hit the fan. I was only 12. I was still a child, and I still fear the consequences of death more then anything. I stayed up late, existential thoughts eating away at me as I pondered what would come afterwards. That thought alone scared away any ideas I had.
When I was 16 I told myself I was gonna do it. To hell with being scared of what comes after life when I was living an irl nightmare. Each day was the same, I didnt see a single living soul outside of my immediate family for almost a year and a half. Things that brought me joy slowly started to become obsolete. Yet, when I went to do it, I found I still fucking couldn't. I was still too scared. There was still that fear of missing out on life.
Now I'm 18. Closer to 19 at this point. And I still want to die. The urge to take my own life now is a constant flame burning in the back of my mind, everytime something goes wrong or I become even slightly stressed out I feel the flames rise. I've carried all this weight around for so many years, but now I'm no longer a child and now I know nobody will sit here and wait for me to figure shit out. I cant keep calling out of work because I had a breakdown, I cant keep ignoring friends and shoving myself into a new game or show to distract from it. I want to die, and now I no longer fear what's on the other side. If what's on the other side is nothing, then so be it. Maybe then I'll finally be at peace.
But like I said. I want to die, but even worse, I want to find a reason to live. Because there are things that I love. I love video games, and writing, and hiking, and riding my bike, and making my friends laugh, and drinking warm coffee, and eating sweet bread, and seeing my family, and laying in the grass, and watching the sun rise, and feeling the rain on my skin, and listening to the thunder, and watching the snow fall, and swimming in the river, and going to concerts. I love so many things, and I want to find that joy that blinded me when I was young again. I want a reason to keep living, so that i can enjoy all the things I love. I want to put out that burning idea of death in my brain and I want to smile and be someone who's fucking happy.
This depression has ruined my life. So many things I love, but cant find the joy in? Why? That question alone makes that burning idea of death rise, and engulfs my thoughts even more. It's a loop. A constant battle between life and death that I didnt sign up for. And I know that sometime soon one side will win, and the odds are all in favor of death.
I hope that life can make a comeback soon.
There is no point is there? Like thinking about the future and growing older just seem so surreal. I thought i would be ded by 18 but here I am at 21 with no plan, dreams or aspirations. I didn’t plan ahead
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